The Deadliest Pizza

Some men die suddenly,  some men die by degrees., all men die. Tyler Jurgenson just doesn’t want to die today. It seems that a sudden death is close, coming with measured, cautious steps. Death wears hunting boots tonight.

A ka-bar would be nice to have right now; a bowie would be better. Tyler has a swiss army. The hunter is carrying a varmint rifle with a full bandoleer and a field dress kit complete with boning knife. Pizza delivery has become a very dangerous occupation in the last few minutes.

Tyler is full of regret, remorse and a frothy hatred for Pi R Good pizzeria. This isn’t the first deliveryman that they have “lost” in the woods. It is now all too clear that Raul is quite dead. The conspiracy lays out quickly and neatly. Pi R Squared is a safari organizer for the deadliest game.

High in a tree, Tyler watches as his pursuer saunters around the trunk nonchalantly waiting for the quarry to reveal itself. The predator has a penchant for the post-apocalyptic look. He sports a hand tall mohawk, a black vest full of pockets and shoulder pads made of tires.

As if by divine comedy, a bird’s nest falls out of the branch farthest from Tyler’s shrinking mass. With a whip cracking sound, the rifleman tears through the offending branch. With joyful belligerence, the hunter fires again, again and again. Assured by hurried arithmetic, Tyler makes his move.

Jumping from his perch, Tyler descends towards the armed assailant with a girlish scream and cold neutral swiss steel. As Tyler collapses on the combatant, his knife finds sheath between the road warrior’s shoulder and neck. With the hunter still writhing and fighting Tyler holds his hand over the man’s mouth and nose. The hunter submits to fate and Tyler rolls over victorious.

For a moment, Tyler is paralyzed by sudden lack of momentum. He gets up and investigates the rifle that had been thrown clear of the melee. As he opens the bolt Tyler realizes that this rifle had a five shot capacity. What would usually be blood curdled terror is a nagging feeling of stupidity. Tyler walks back to the deceased and collects his tip and a survival knife for the extra trouble.

Tyler trudges back to his car. It’s a miserable two mile walk through mud. First thing first, Tyler decides to file a report with the police. Afterwards, Tyler decides to get in touch with the talk show circuit. Tyler is a truly optimistic man.