If you should find yourself on an unpaved street without the benefit of shoes, it is best to traverse with a flat foot. Keep your steps as even as possible and try not to react to the sharp rocks below. You most certainly have found the absence of your wallet in your left pocket by now. Yes, those drunk assholes did take it. They really should be ashamed, but so should you. After all, trick me once shame on you, get me black out drunk four times shame on me.

The art of begging is a tricky thing to master. The key to getting more than a dollar is to create a feeling of empathy. If your a 27 year old woman with a mind blowingly painful hangover this may be difficult. The people most likely to emphasize are shortsighted twats that never have any money the day after. Try the lost on the wrong side of town angle and really work those doe eyes. Find a bus stop.

If you have the money, get on the bus. If you don’t, you’re SOL. If you do get on the bus, remember to get a full day pass because your near the airport and they stopped giving transfers, even for pretty little alcoholics like yourself. Find a seat next to someone you can gawk at because really, why change now? You are obviously in place in your life where you can look down on others. I say live it up.

Once you get home find the fake rock in the shrubs and turn it over. Do you see the key? If you do, put the key in the door and turn it clockwise and then turn the knob. If you need to puke go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom and puke IN the toilet. Now go to bed. If you need help removing the staples I used to secure this note to your sweater, may I heartily suggest going to hell?

Sweet dreams,


PS Nikki, we are no longer friends.