Autopsy of a Professional Relationship

“This poor woman died some time after five pm, ligature marks say strangulation. It looks like she was overpowered, which is surprising because she has a  shortstop’s build.”

“Wait, a shortstop’s build? Not just an athletic build?”

“Well I was taking artistic license, but there are differences. For example: a pitcher tends to have more exercised shoulders and a much firmer buttocks, like Cody Yuen.”

“Cody Yuen of the Merriamacks? You swing that way?”

“Yes, although I don’t swing actually.”

“And you’re coming out to me?”

“I was never in.”

“But I set you up.”

“Yeah, about that, I imagine most people you set up are pretty pissed at you afterwards. Those women told me under no circumstances would they put out. It was awkward but good food prevailed and I actually had a decent time.”

“Why didn’t you every tell me?”

“I don’t like discussing my sexual orientation.”

“You could have just said no.”

“Then I’d have no one to go out with it.”

“I always figured Ed from the hardware store was a bit overcompensating.”

“No, he actually does wrestle bears. You’d know that if you look at my youtube channel. You’d also see a bunch of videos of men making out that I’ve marked as liked.”

“Huh who’da thunk it.”

“Not you, apparently. Anyways, there’s some red nylon fibers embedded in her neck. It looks like the killer used a rip cord.”

“Wait, what about that time you were alone with Jerry in the copy room at the Christmas Party?”

“I was holding his hair back while he puked in a trashcan, it magical.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes since he did down half a quart of schnapps.”

“God damn it John, not four minutes ago I was a beer drinking, sports watching, red blooded American to you. I still am, I just appreciate Aikman’s ass more than you.”

“Really, Aikman? I thought y’all liked slighter men, like Franco Nero.”

“You know jokes like that are a little brave, considering your Halloween costume last year.”

“What? Cher is an accepted choice for a costume among straight men.”

“Sure but that costume was immaculate, Cher doesn’t look that much like Cher anymore.”

“Cross dressing ain’t the same as being homosexual.”

“And homosexual doesn’t mean prancing slut. Can we get back to this girl?”

“Actually, I was just checking in. Her boyfriend confessed a hour ago.”

“Why do you insist on pissing off the one guy that can arrest you?”

“I don’t rightly know myself Ron.”

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