Proper Preparations

A bolt of wood is sticking through my lung. I am comforted by the fact that I will have a brief celebrity in death. Between the cable news and the parodies of cable news, my death will make the rounds. Crossbows do not make good security systems, I know that now. Why I thought vampires were going to kill me escapes me; much like my blood. I always knew that I would be the sole proprietor of my demise.

The milk pouring out next to me is going to go bad before they find me. They’ll find me by smell. If I had a dog or a cat or someone to make noise for me, maybe I’d have a chance. I can’t scream and I do want to, it’s just that my breath has more pressing concerns. I can’t even dial, my phone is on the counter and might as well be in another zip code for as good as it does me.

I am a prepared man. I have that shotgun which will help when the zombies come. I’ve got an extra laptop tucked away safe for when that EMP takes out all the computers. I’ve got a tux for when the president finally realizes how awesome I am. I even have a versatile security system that protects me from both burglars and vampires. Well actually, it doesn’t reload by it’s self so… never mind.

I prepared for everything including global warming, although a pair of water wings are a little underwhelming in the face of a tidal wave swallowing my fair city. I even made sure that my bills are paid months in advance. I’ve made all sorts of alibis excusing any absence on my part from the office. None of my friends even know where I live just in case of interrogation. I’ve made all these arrangements and only now do I understand why.

Honestly, I’m just surprised I was able to type this whole thing out. Sucks that I don’t have Internet in this apartment yet. Mom, I’m sorry but I think I’ve committed suicide. I love you, I love all my family and friends but apparently it was enough. Anyways, gotta go meet you know who, you know where. Please don’t embalm me.

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