The Omega Muffin

The muffin sat, smack dab in the center of a gigantic farm table. Jonas knew this was the only food available and so did Dennis. The dawn was rising and someone was about to eat breakfast. The rules were simple: weapons were allowed but only eating utensils no sharper than a serrated steak knife, no heavier than a bread knife. Jonas had a fork, Dennis had a butter knife. The danse macabre began in earnest.

They circled round and round the table, sizing each other up and looking desperately for an opening. Jonas found one and stabbed forwards with the fork but Dennis was too quick. In a quick counter riposte, Dennis slapped the offending hand away with his butter knife. He followed this with a rolling elbow into Jonas’ jaw. Jonas was sent reeling but not quite out.

With renewed vigor, Jonas came again with a berserk thrust. Dennis smiled, noting the predictability Jonas put forth. In a lazy parry, butter knife met fork stopping the assault. Then Jonas did something unexpected, he wrenched the knife counter clockwise, freeing the butter knife it of it’s master. Jonas proceeded with an almost perfect straight jab. Dennis nose exploded, crimson life going everywhere. Then came the knee in the groin and Dennis was on the ground. With both fork and butter knife, victory was but a formality. Jonas didn’t want to perform a coup de grace but he was capable.

“Do you yield?”

The answer was no, Dennis threw the last bit of himself into Jonas’ legs. The two toppled over and Dennis was slowly working his way back up the man. An onlooker might call it homo erotic, but such observations were absent, as was shame and dignity. There was only the muffin, the end all be all of food. Suddenly as Dennis was reaching the crotch, two legs he thought restrained sprung into action. He was suddenly caught in a hold, barely able to breathe.

“I’ll ask again, do you yield?”

“Dear God, yes. For the love of Jesus, yes.”

Jonas was relieved, he didn’t want to murder Dennis. He did however want the muffin which he grabbed greedily and left the room devouring. Dennis slowly got back to his feet, happy it was over for another day. The nearest diner was two miles out and if he hurried it would still be breakfast hours. This new diet was tough, but he really could feel the calories burning off.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. William Lawson
    Dec 13, 2010 @ 08:52:28

    “Ummm…good!” He says, reaching (warily) over the laptop for another peanut butter cookie.


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