To The Next Ruler of The Universe

To the next ruler of the universe,

I left the key in the fake rock. Well, it was a fake rock when I was there. You might just up and decide it’s a satellite phone. That’s your prerogative: a man’s home is his castle and from your castle you will shape the universe as you see fit. Just remember, if the deadbolt still exists, the key is in the fake rock or satellite phone.

My tenure as ruler of the universe was mired by¬† my having no idea what I was doing. Fifteen seconds is an awful short term, even with dilation. I kept on look at the clock, which I created. Man, that was self defeating. I tried my best but I don’t think I got everything I wanted done.

If you want my advice, focus on happiness not peace. The only peace you have in this universe is the eternal kind and that’s really no fun. Least no one I observed liked the prospect of dying. I quite frankly could have live without knowing what happens after. Yeesh.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Most people, amoebas, and what have you relish the chance to talk to someone in charge. I think some of them expected favors, too bad the electoral college doesn’t allow you to garner many connections. I did promise somebody I’d help him move. I intend on helping him, just don’t know how I’m getting to Taiwan.

Anyways, I left beer in the fridge, porn in the bread box and the bread is somewhere too, I’m sure. If you fancy my taste in women, potent potables or bread, you’re welcome too it. Mi casa es su casa. Always to do that, never thought I’d get a chance to use a foreign language with a universal translator. If you ever get to Earth, tell me what the third sentence says. It would be a hoot.

I’ll be flipping burgers in Skokie if you need me. Not as prestigious a job, but rent’s due and I never got a paycheck from the universe. In all it’s vastness, I never thought stingy is how I’d describe it. Cheap place we live in.

Your former ruler,


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