Under An Unlucky Moon

Behind the blackened gums, between the yellow giant teeth, there was a large tongue writhing. She stood hip to Jacob’s head, making her gender apparent. Her long snot hovered above his hair, sniffing a faint unnatural odor. Jacob thanked whatever god’s maybe for the volume enhancing product on his head. She was angry and losing patience. She was judging him.

If there were other witnesses to this incredible sight, they were keeping quiet. For all intents and purposes, Jacob and Janet had the alley all to themselves. Jacob would later rate this date as his personal worst.

While she was probably slower than her four legged brethren, running was still not an option. Her long gawky arms would get him before he could have a good start. Short of suddenly summoning a Browning Automatic Rifle, he couldn’t fight her. Her claws, her teeth, they could pierce everything. He had one move, and it made little sense.

“Bad dog.”

He looked right into her eyes with as much condemnation as he could.

“You don’t eat me!”

He was stern, he was stoic and he was still at looking her right in the eyes.

“I’m so disappointed in you.”

She sunk down, her back to the ground, her legs curled. Thirteen foot tall and submitting, it was an odd sight. Soon enough, Jacob had found a milk crate to sit on and his date for the night was weaseling her way into his lap, where her head couldn’t possibly fit. The sun would rise in six hours. Until then, he sat without tennis ball or rawhide with a very big dog in need of entertainment.

Somewhere around four, it occurred to him that wolves rarely attack humans. Girlfriends are much more likely.


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