Oh Letterman, My Letterman

Martin Trumbo senior class president of Broad Ripple High School (2002-2010), died in his bed late Wednesday night of a heart attack. He will be mostly remembered for his controversial support of the theory of mutually assured destruction and the activation of the JROTC.

Some critics were quick to point out that the Warren Township School District had never made any overtly aggressive postures outside of the purview of sports. His supporters retorted that the military occupation of Warren Central High was “awesome” and actually quite beneficial to the local economy.

According to popular consensus, it was indeed a boon. During the year of 2003, the local population of Broad Ripple grew rich in saxophones and square pizzas. These were truly our salad option days, and we thought they would never end.

Traditionally, the senior class president steps down after he graduates. Despite the disadvantage of being enrolled in college, President Trumbo broke with tradition and kept his office for the 2003-2004 school year. He mostly regulated decisions to his cabinet. The school year was uneventful.

2005 marked the return of the President to the campus, freshly expelled from college for as the transcript reads: being just awful. With the new year, President Trumbo instated taxes to pay his loans. Some wondered if this was constitutional, others wondered how he kept on getting in the building.

2006 heralded some important changes in Broad Ripple High School. Warren Central was officially annexed and given a seat in the ridiculously impotent parliament. Also, somewhere in the southern slums, an old military base had been re purposed as a gulag. The locals were less than pleased.

2007 marked a time of upheaval for Broad Ripple High School. The military sponsored revolving craps game was put under scrutiny by this very paper for having loaded dice. In the south, the gulag was full and the vocational students who already resided there were beginning to take umbrage. President Trumbo’s light beer addiction grew more and more impossible to hide.

In 2008, Trumbo was put under review by the school board. Serious questions were raised pertaining to how a relatively minor puppet government had managed to occupy two other high schools without any interference from the police or local school board. Since no one had an answer, it was decided that it was best left alone.

As you probably know between 2008 and 2010, the republic Rocketonia was given complete autonomy from the municipal authorties. The schools quickly lost all power and soon the plumbing was completely clogged. Martin Trumbo himself had acquired a classroom to serve as his bedroom. There he would remain for the rest of his reign.

We are all left in the shadow of truly remarkable and impossible man. He is survived by his two children Maurice and Shelly, and his three wives Cynthia, Laura and Shelly(?). Visitations we’ll take place at the Natatorium in the gulag at midnight. RSVP BYOB


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