Elizabeth, The Networking Chameleon

“Oh God, I’m a loser.”

The computer screen was bright and unerring, she had finally gone and become someone else. After all the social networking under false pretenses, it had finally happened. That someone she was changing into liked cheetos and Penny Arcade.

Elizabeth knew this to be a side effect of identity theft. She had been stealing identities for years coming ever closer to the sun with her waxy wings. Now she was falling down into the ocean, hopelessly lost in an assumed personalities. She wondered if anyone at school would even recognize her. Would any of her friends still like her?

It had started innocent enough with just an odd avatar. It was a celebrity, back then it seemed so harmless to have a picture of Julie Andrews. Then she went and started using the screen name Juliekicksass. Then she started role playing. It was all such thrill and soon Elizabeth was operating outside her wheelhouse.

First she became Claudia Schiffer. For a time she found it difficult to pretend to be sexy, especially regarding the mole. She studied Claudia’s nuances, paying special attention to her choice of soda. Elizabeth knew diet soda as a source of headache, but Claudia demanded it. Even with such hurdles, Elizabeth was not fulfilled artistically.

Next she became Tom Cruise. He was a man and therefore that much harder of a role. He had so many tics and such interesting religious beliefs. She watched Magnolia so many times that she did respect the cock and tried to tame the c!@#. She read Dianetics from cover to cover, feeling guilty at her still untouched copy of KJV. She was Tomcat, down to the hair.

Yet still, she felt unchallenged. Then she met Andy Brokebane. He was a nice man of forty she had met on Live. He lived in Maine where he gamed and sold model trains. She spoke to him often on IRC and they became friends. She assumed his identity so subtly that she didn’t even realize it at first. Somewhere after the word wang became her fifth most used word, it occurred to her.

More perplexing was the fact that he had stolen hers. He was constantly trolling the internet as a fourteen year old girl trying to find forty year old men. Moreover, he had moved Elizabeth to Maine which the new Andy could not abide. The new Andy was angered that Elizabeth now lived in the state where lobsters and polar bears roam free.

Spring break was coming and there would be a reckoning.


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