The Sex of Science!

Dr. Henry Rudolph stared deeply, blankly into the streptococcus. The 100x magnification was pointless and the plasma screen he bought to view it on was terrible misappropriation. It had become apparent to him that no matter how much gamma radiation you pour into the little guys, they would not make super soldiers out of fifteen year olds. In fact, the fifteen year olds tended to die which was very rude. His grant would soon be gone and all his hopes of making a human with heat vision gone with it. Thanks to the classified nature of his work, he couldn’t even get an ignoble prize. It was sad but not unbelievable, as comic book inspired science was statistically doomed to fail.

Dr. Virgina Lockheart walked in the ten by ten foot room. The telltale clacking of her stilettos announced her well before Dr. Rudolph could see her. When she first started wearing patent leather corsets with her lab coat there were some complaints. She was the only Macarthur certified genius on staff so she was given lee way but the riding crop was pushing it. It was only a matter of time until the harassment charges went public and Dr. Lockheart was exposed for the utterly inane malicious psychopath that she was.

“Hello Dr. Rudolph, are you ready for your treatment?”

“Not quite, let me take off my pants.”

Henry removed the snap seam slacks in the most flashy fashion. His bikers legs shown proudly, shaved and sculpted.

“Operation Pants No More has reached fruition.” She spoke with glee.

The table of science (which held all manner of containers of science on top of it) was cleared. The crashing Pyrex intermingled with the bouncing sound of plastic tubs. This was their foreplay, then they moved down the periodic table, noting the mass of every atom as listed. Needless to say, Neil McDougall, supervisor of science was both dismayed and aroused. He quickly turned the corner to the open door where he saw Henry Rudolph being mounted by Virginia Lockheart.

“Henry, damn it, I could cover up for your failures in super science but now you’ve destroyed Pyrex in the pursuit of coitus. If I were to allow you to stay here, the chemists would have magnesium and I think I need that. Turn in your doctorate at the door, your through with science.”

Neil stormed off, somewhat proud of demoralizing someone bigger than him. Virginia and Henry looked at each other. They both knew that in order to be aroused, Virginia had to be with a professional.

“Don’t worry, I’ve aced the postal exam. In a few months, I will have a career again.”

“Do those blue pants come with snaps?”

“We can make adjustments, I’m sure.”


My Last Fiction

I was focusing on the telling black roots of her blond hair. I moved my eyes down Irene’s face taking her long and pale features in with a camel’s thirst. At her bright red lips I stopped and watched her as she poured down on me every tear she had. She could see the branch protruding from me, wide as a champagne flute. The scooter was ten feet away, still running.

We knew I was leaving soon. I told her we were eternal things, that we would come back together. Even if it took a thousand years, we would still find each other among the trillion heartbeats. She gave me that toothsome grin and cried. Irene believed me, she really did. I was 28 when I last practised to deceive.

Eagles Go To State, Ducks Go To Hell

“I know why I can’t find a job.”

“Oh, why’s that?”

“I’m apparently a duck.”

Tina was reading a magazine next to a piece furniture that could charitably be described as a dining room table. It was actually more of a stuff table. She was playing it over in her mind whether or not she wanted to know more a Jeff’s current eureka moment. Curiosity one out.

“Why are you a duck?”

“Because, I’m not an eagle.”

Jeffrey was of the wired world at that moment, he would come to realize what he said had made no sense. He looked a way from the monitor. The chair sounded alarm as he turned away from the workspace.

“I guess that probably warrants an explanation.”

“Warrants? I hold no such authority.”

“Still it seems it might deserve one.”

“Well, if it deserves then you must.”

“See, apparently managers don’t like hiring ducks because they have to send them to eagle school.”

“That in no way helps me.”

“It’s a metaphor, it’s about not hiring a guy that doesn’t look like the guy you need.”

“Seems like common sense, what’s with the platitude.”

“I guess people just like platitudes.”

“Ah, so what are you going to do about it?”

“Well barring a beak job, I guess I’ll have to only apply for aquatic opportunities.”

“We live in the Midwest and you can’t swim.”

“I meant metaphorically.”

“So you’re a metaphorical duck?”

“Yes. Sorry I didn’t work that into my vows.”

“S’okay, I married an unemployed loser, it’s not like my parents’ estimation of you would increase if they new you were a different species.”

“Low blow honey.”

“I would never, that’s half the reason I married you.”

“Anyways, I guess I’ll just act cuddly and quack, maybe eat worms.”

“Like at your job interview tomorrow?”

“I guess I could but I don’t think..”

“Give you five hundred bucks.”


Tina knew that one day Jeff would figure out the ins and outs of joint banking, until then she would smile maniacally.

A Disastrous Misinterpretation of 1984

The room where there is no darkness, I read those words so many times. I kept on reading them over and over again. I couldn’t fathom such a bulb, such a place or even such a thing. I had the strangest feeling that if I could find that place I would know Heaven. I wanted to know this place so badly.

I know that Orwell intended it to be a dystopian future, but the phrase had me. When I walked home from middle school that evening, I fantasized about being covered in brightness, a certain truth that nothing could hide from. Nothing would dare come at me with this bright unyielding light. I was just holy and invincible to this world.

I never did read the rest of 1984 but it set me on my path. In high school, I became obsessed with the truth. I joined the newspaper and released exposé after exposé, showing every dirty little secret I could find. I was thrown off the paper but I still needed to know the truth. That’s how I decided on my current career path.

Oh God I’m prattling on! And look at that, the car battery is charged. Back to work for me and you. No more of this stalling, just tell me what I want to know. You know how much it will hurt if you don’t. I do enjoy my work but I want to get home too, just like everyone else with a job.

I do wish this room wasn’t so dim.

The Ecstasy Of Groceries

What I’m about to do is very stupid and I don’t recommend no one in the audience should try this. I’m on the floor, with two items more than I’m supposed to have in express lane. I’m loosing blood and all I’m thinking is that this seems to be taking an awful long while. I don’t think I’ll actually get to buy my milk today.

He’s got himself a stocking cap over his face and a gun in his hand. He shot me cause I screamed like a little girl when he pulled it out. I sorta crumbled on the floor and he turned his attention back to the cashier who was just waiting for the thief to empty the till sitting on the counter. He starts filling a paper bag from this very establishment.

Then I start hearing it. I know the sad mournful beginning. I know a woman is about to start singing without any words. I know that when she hits that high note, the world is going to turn on it’s head. No one else seems to hear it, so I guess this is my moment.

I get up, which is amazingly easy considering. I’m standing and he still hasn’t turned back to me. He’s preoccupied until my right fist goes into his left temple. The gun remains on the checkout counter, right next to the card reader. He’s disarmed and a little flabbergasted but his surprise doesn’t last long, he gets me in the chin. I answer with my left in his stomach and a knee to his head. The fight is over and I’m now realizing that the knee was a really bad idea.

The moment is gone now and I will know no twin of it. For a few fleeting seconds, I was The Shopper With No Name and I was happy. I do wish I could hear her again.

The Dining Room Waltz

She’s leading, I’m talking first but she leads. I can barely remember the steps.

I can do this. I can just look at Amber and smile. I can just say the words.

“How was your day honey?”

She looks back and she gives me a toothy grin with twice the sincerity I’m capable of. It makes me wonder how many times shes lied before. I know the our time has past but it still unnerves me.

“Well, Columbus Day is a bank holiday, so I did a little shopping.”

“Buy any lingerie?”

I rib with a flirtatious facade. I’m thinking of baseball right now. I’m the one who wanted this, can’t back out now.

“Ew, gross.”

Katrina’s voice is unmistakable, even if she is obscured by the roast beef. She’s five and doesn’t quite know we’re separated yet. Calvin is sixteen, and I think he knew before we did. He’s being very calm, with the type of patience usually attributed to a bomb disposal technician. I can see the little bit of tension in his eyes. If I screw Kat up, he probably won’t talk to me for months. He’s strategically keeping his mouth occupied.

“No sweety, I bought this purse.”

It’s black leather and could easily be used as a hat.

“Oh it’s nice.”

I’ve never had any clue what a nice purse is. Amber doesn’t hold that against me. I could lie and say I never noticed the small things but that’s not true. It wasn’t some erosive force that did us in, it just sort of died in us. We tried, we really did but sometimes that kind of love just goes out.

“Pass the peas.”

Amber touches my hand and I remember how kind she can be. In a few weeks, I’ll introduce Kat to Sherry and we’ll slowly ease her into her second home. Right now, I’m remembering just how divine a dancer Amber is.

Tom and Amber are just fine and they have two lovely children.

That’s what I’ll say when people ask me how I am.

Traveling Double Blind Towards Cosmic North

I Love Krathtor was on. The English subtitles ran across the bottom of the screen. Apparently Krathor was working on a scheme to stop Ugo from leaving Krathor for another female. It was one of the few Shungarian shows that actually worked for human humor. The dish was always scanning for new material, reorienting to it’s North, the Shungari home world.

Sally had watched the show every day of the last week, looking at Krathor’s beautiful tenth tentacle in awe. If Sally had never joined the Cosmonautical Exploration and Observation Service (CEOS for short), she would never have even looked at a Shungari (sort of looks like a squid and a chimpanzee mated) much less be able to judge it by such an exclusive social concept as beauty.

Sally’s job was not just to be a couch potato but to examine the media of this new species in detail. On the CEOS Divining Horseshoe’s DVR, she was tasked with forty hours of collected broadcasts. Among the sports, sitcoms, dramas, music and three hours of cowbells interspersed with laughter, she was to learn as much about their culture as possible before first contact. What she knew so far was that they liked the sound of cowbells and used what looked like lipstick as mascara.

Her official observations were then recorded and submitted. The moment she submitted the review, it started its long voyage south addressed to a government agency that could very well be four hundred years disbanded. They didn’t call it the double blind throw for nothing. Earth had no idea where she was going until they got her report. She on the other hand, would probably never know what happened to humanity.

“Can you believe we’re fifty years from them?”

Boris was working the next shift.

“Shit, has it really been three weeks?”

“Yep, time to get frosty.”

“Damn it, I didn’t even get to shower.”

“I’m aware, get frozen.”

She started off back to the tubes but something came to her.

“You know, they could all be dead by now. I mean they’re atomic age now.”

“We made it through, have faith.”

“I’d rather a shower.”

“Well I can’t help your time management skills, and I won’t have you sucking anymore of my air.”


She walked back to her bed, knowing that when she woke up, the Shungari home world would actually be visible. How she yearned for that dot.

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