Malcolm’s Convenient Alien Abduction

All eyes were on Malcolm as he tucked his legs into the fetal position and rocked back and forth on his unadorned twin size mattress. He watched those who watched him and they never tired. It had been eight days since he had last seen his son, eight days since he was aware of sleep. All the men around him had smart suits wrapped around wide shoulders. They wore homburgs, fedoras or just product by the metric ton. They were dressing as they knew men should dress.

The Plexiglas walls that separated him from them made everything even more ominous. The light was a dying yellow with wattage than can barely be registered by the electric company. They didn’t like light very much. Their faces were lit by the red of their cigars. It would take eight bullets and one reload to kill them all with Malcolm’s deer rifle. Malcolm’s deer rifle was in his truck, along with Malcolm’s son. Actually, Malcolm’s son had been taken by the state by then..

With gnawing certainty, Malcolm knew that these were not humans but facsimiles thereof. Sometimes the right angle would betray a strange spot of purple skin. It was not a bruise, but a whole other kind of material entirely underneath human flesh. Then when they opened their mouths, a pair of giant canines could be seen. When they smiled they were positively lupine on two legs; big alien dogs in power suits.

“This is a man, see how easily he is dominated and subjugated. Through out his many empires we have nodded and slept our way to key positions just by wearing these fancy suits, these fancy hypnotic suits. We will soon own all of man and this one will be a rarity, a man found in the wild.”

This was the eighth time Malcolm had heard this speech and his patience was running out. The irritating thing was that he had undeniable proof that he was smarter than these horrid inter galactic businessmen. The proof was in the fact that he plainly still had a bowie knife tied to his leg. He had just enough sleep to do what he needed to do.

With an abrupt and prompt motion, he opened the door and walked into the well dressed men. These were the men who had held him back at his old job. These were the sycophantic mediocre people that had infested the workforce of the United States Of America. As he unsheathed his terrible swift bowie he knew his actions were righteous. All of mankind benefited from this one sided slaughter. Although no one would admit it, Malcolm had saved mankind.

The story ends differently on different days with different amounts of alcohol. He usually is able to pilot the starship back to Earth, but sometimes he has to have help from a buxom purple lady. Sometimes he ends up with up to three women fawning all over him. Every once in a while, there is a gay man in the story, a gay man who lusts after him. After mentioning the gay man, Malcolm points out that he’s into girls and girls only. It’s all and all very hard to believe but I haven’t heard a better explanation of why he rides his bicycle to the bar or why Timmy lives with his mother.

… More accurate, but not better.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Carson Margedant
    Jun 25, 2011 @ 14:15:21

    God, I hate you so much. You think this is good? Go to hell!

    Reply

  2. Gil
    Jun 26, 2011 @ 04:08:02

    I enjoyed this very much!

    Reply

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