The Elephant in the Thin Allegory

There are no words to describe it but the words I’ve got. I have a monopoly as I have the only eye witness account of an elephant who happened to have a laser turret installed in it’s mouth. If that’s not worth a beer, I don’t know what it is.

Story first?


Steve was born in Kenya and everyone thought he was a strong, virile elephant. His parents had said as much and the rest of the community agreed. As he grew from calf into a man he started noticing Veronica, a beautiful cow if ever there was one. She was in fact the most beautiful woman in the whole of the elephant of the high school.

Yes, elephants have high schools, where do you think elephants go to learn their vocations? I mean where can you get an apprenticeship any more?

Anyways, turns out that Veronica, yeah she was a bitch. After Veronica basically forced Steve to quit college so that they could focus on her doctorate, she up and left him. Then Steve was on his own and the lack of financial support left him in the slums of… Africa.


No, Veronica was still an elephant smartass.

Oh how did he he get a laser turret installed in his mouth? He went to an elephant surgeon because he was starting to feel afraid in that neighborhood and he needed something to protect himself. After he got the thing, he’d find himself on a lonely night just cocking the hammer and cycling through the chambers. The clicks as the trigger fell on empty cylinders gave him the illusion of control that he so desired.

Yeah, apparently the laser was detachable and it wasn’t loaded. Thank god for that.

How do I know this? Look, I told you a story now I just want my drink. Actually, no, I want a bigger drink. I want the remains of that bottle of Inverhouse.

You want another story? Fine.

Did I ever tell you the story about Steve the giraffe who had to use autoerotic asphyxiation to combat the overwhelming depression that resulted from Virgina the mythical queen of whores leaving him?

Yeah, all I want is the bottle.

Thanks, been a pleasure doing business with you.