Mr. Miles was incapable of speech for a moment. Justin Simian, desk clerk of The Fairbanks Inn, went over the room with a UV light. There was absolutely nothing to see. He turned the switch back on. The florescent served as crickets for the awkward silence.

“Was, was that a pentagram?”

“Just as artistic expression, Mr. Miles. As you can see our maid service is top notch.”

“Why did you need chicken blood?”

“Actually, that was just me multitasking.”

“You needed to kill a chicken?”

“Breakfast don’t grow on trees. Well, except grapefruit, melons… really any fruit.”

“But what about the feces?”

“You know I don’t think bananas grow on trees. No, they do.”

“Again, I ask why did you take a dump in my room?”

“Oh this isn’t your room. Plantains! Plantains don’t grow on trees.”

“That’s comforting but why?”

“To be thorough Mr. Miles.”

Mr Miles sighed deeply.

“If I stay in this room, could I get a 15% discount?”


Justin Simian left Mr. Miles to his room.


Something had died in Mr. Miles, but it had been replaced with a bargain.

The New Cruelty

He was immediately sorry.

This was nothing she deserved but the coffee ground stuck to his feet. A fucker, dipshit, or bitch tits should have sufficed but no he wanted more. Time and time again, his feet had gotten soaked in coffee and he wanted her to feel pain. He found in him the will to do something terrible and when she got home he did it.

“I am sorry.”

“I know but, it might take me a little while.”

Mandy still smarted and her shiner was going to stay for a while. Looking at her, Dustin knew he should have said bitch tits instead. The z word still packed too much of a wallop. In time, it would be fit for human consumption but for now it’s a dreadful thing to say.



Winona’s Mammoth Womanhood

It’s not the size of a woman, it’s the depths of the woman where Michael measures her. It may have been an adverse effect of the peyote but he was pretty sure that Winona had a whole cave system down there. He has in fact been exploring it’s nooks and crannies for hours. There is something about the ancient wonders of these caves that fascinates Michael and it just kept drawing him back further and further into Winona’s womanhood.

Winona for her part is actually pretty calm on the matter but then again she’s had painkillers which help immensely when dating Michael . As he feverishly humps a stalagmite, she finds herself watching his naked ass and she begins to time her breaths to it’s thrusting rhythm. It really is kind of strange to see a man dressed in only a pair of hiking boots and a miner’s helmet make passionate love to a former ocean. Strange, but not enticing.

Above them in rural Kentucky, there is a porn store smack dab in the middle of nowhere. It lacks variety but makes up for it by being the only game in the county. Still, sometimes Fred (the owner) wonders if there is better smut out there, new smut, pioneering smut. As he ponders this, a man is trying desperately to have intercourse with  a cave system but no one is filming him do so. Thus this act will be lost to history just because Fred never thought to look for pornos in a cave.

Luckily, there will be others with more foresight in the future

The Romance Of The War Criminals

As the fire finally died, Linton looked down at the huge gaping lack of a city. 400,00 souls all dead and made indistinguishable from their house. From dust we come and to dust we go but still it didn’t seem quite fair. The screams would not leave, nor the flailing of the soon to die, or worst of all the delicious terrible smell. Every damn bit was there inside him etched into his bones. Barbara on the other hand, had stars in her eyes

Linton became lost in the deep blue lakes surrounding her pupils. He gained his orientation and slowly pulled back but it was his will greatly taxxed. There she was 5’7, stuffed with eight miles of sunshine. She was moving with a bounce in her step that was slightly unbecoming of the usually sad and distant woman. Before he could really say anything she was going back into the city with her 9mm hoping to pick of anyone who might have survived.

“We’re forever now Linton! They’ll always remember us.”

All she ever wanted was to make her mark. After twenty crates of various ammunitions, five tons of Semtex and one low yield nuclear warhead they had done just that. All the slaughter was worth it if only to see Barbara happy. Sure one day he would hang and fall to Hell but he had witnessed Heaven on this Earth. Few could make that claim.

The Lick Of Lust

The story goes that the king loved a wild man and the wild man died. The king was sad and realized that he too could die and set off to amend that unsuccessfully. I abridged the story considerably but one tome that it is recorded in does not. There is a record of it in the book of love along with every other love. My love is in there too and maybe I can find her name.

I’ve searched Craig’s List and deserts and jungles. I’m walking on into the world and my memories of her soft light brown skin. I regress to that yesterday thirty days old, when I was licking up the small of her back tasting the salt of her sweat. She shivered and smiled as I entered her. She purred as I left and sighed as I entered again.

She was the best I ever had. Twenty women after her and I can say that without question. I’ve tasted many nooks and crannies but she was the greatest. Sometimes as I realize that I will soon exhaust my frequent flier miles, it occurs to me that the book might just be the stuff of songs, this worries me greatly.

Other times, I think maybe it was just really good sex but that seems silly.

My Cold And Shrinking Proposal

She’s walking away now. Her name might as well be Aphrodite, but it’s Lisa. Her waist length hair flows outwards caught in the dawn sun, she is autumn and the departure of color. She’s scrunches inwards, keeping warm in the face of fall’s bitter last days. We’re both a little cold but I don’t think I’ll ever be quite so warm again. Among trees and hilly sidewalks, she disappears. I’m not quite so lucky as to never see her again; she reappears at some distance and slowly fades into the horizon. There’s a part of me that can still see her, but that’s just my imagination.

Finally, I relax and the pear shaped diamond with my grandmother’s gold band falls to the sidewalk. I tie my belt, close my trench coat and slowly pick up two months salary off the ground.